Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Time to Laugh

So, we’ve had a rough time of it lately folks. The economy is in the crapper and our illustrious political leaders can’t even agree on what color it is we see in the toilet. The stock market plunge not only cost people their jobs, but for some it has pushed out that all too righteous reward for 50 years of hard work called “retirement.” If you aren’t yourself laid off you certainly know more than a handful of people who have been. Around our offices we’ve lost not just co-workers, but friends and mentors. At home, families sit around the kitchen table deciding on whether to cut little Jimmy’s baseball league or little Sally’s dance lessons; and sometimes both. Vacations are postponed and cancelled, the little fixes around the home have to wait, and for some, the local food pantry provides a vital pathway, if not an embarrassing one for some, to continue to put food on the table. We are in a recession and it sucks all around.

I’ve thought a lot about this as many of you have. What should I be doing differently? What is the answer for America? Am I the next one to be tossed out into the cold, fighting for the few open positions out there? Amidst all this and the echoes of “biggest recession since the 30s” resonating in my head, I asked a pretty simple question. Why the hell don’t we ask our grandparents what they did in the 30s? Too obvious for our government to do, I know, but for our own personal situations why not? Unfortunately, I am no longer blessed with any of my grandparents, but I know exactly what my grandmother (may her memory be a blessing) would say. How? Because we talked about it, the tough times, what it was like and what she did. What would she say now? You need to laugh. Every single day, no matter how bad it is, she said there was always something you could find to give you a good laugh. And she lived this. Even at the end when things were bad, I have a great memory, my last of her, of the family in the living room laughing. She had moments of clarity, and what shone through was her humor. So there, with her sick and unable to even stand, the family was momentarily whisked away on the wings of simple laughter. The family squabbles were set aside, the warmth pushed through the cold chill of eminent death in the air, and the giddiness of laughing like children overtook a group of adults in their 30s, 50s, 60s and one in her 90s. What we laughed about is irrelevant, and honestly, my memory to keep locked away for those tough days when I need it.

Laughter won’t cure illness, it won’t restart a seemingly lifeless economy and no, it can’t prevent wars. But what it can do is to rekindle a spark of hope. It can magically take us away from our troubles, if only for a fleeting moment. It can, in the end, renew the spirit to give it enough for just one more day. And day by day and laugh by laugh we get by. It isn’t the endgame we should relish, but rather, the little moments that get us there one day at a time.

So in this spirit, and that of George Carlin and Lenny Bruce, let’s laugh at what we shouldn’t. I’ve lost employees, mentors, and good friends from my job to layoffs as most of you have. But hey, there’s always a brighter side to it. Or at the very least, something to give us a spark of laughter, if only for a moment or two.

Top 5 reasons work is better since the layoffs

1) Three words, “front row parking.”
2) You now have at least 6 months to blame everything on someone who was laid off. “Yeah, that report… uhh… Jack was working on it. Boy, he must’ve screwed it up before he left.”
3) More coffee for the rest of us.
4) Lines in the cafeteria are shorter, and the servers are much nicer now too!
5) Not only are your chances of winning Buzzword Bingo greater now, but you have a full list of new words to use (RIF- reduction in force, right sizing, rethinking the paradigm, doing more with less, resource reallocation).

Keep smiling folks. And don’t be afraid to put up your list of things I missed above.
--J.R.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Defensive Driving

So a few weeks ago I got caught going 72mph on highway 75. Seriously, the posted limit is 60, but it’s Texas. More so, it’s Dallas! No one goes the speed limit. The speed limit signs are more of suggestions I thought, general rules of thumb like “watch your step” signs and the such.
To get out of the ticket I chose to take defensive driving. Not only will I have the ticket cleared from my record, but I’ll save $80 a year on my insurance. Whippie, but I guess it’s the best way I can get back at the man this week. So I’ll take my $80 sir!

Now, where to take said defensive driving class? Well, I’m not one for sitting in a classroom for 6 hours straight on a weekend. I don’t own a working VCR so no defensive driving via tape. I think they have DVDs, but I am simply too lazy to go to Blockbuster to find out. So I settle on an on-line course. I figure that way I can drop in and out over my lunch period and at nights and over a week or two get the required hours in. Turns out it was even better. I dropped in between drug induced comas. (yes, prescription because of my surgery.)

I look for two things: something to keep me from offing myself during it; and something cheap. I thought I found this in www. comedydriving.com. Come on, it says comedy right in the name and it’s only $25. Holy cow was I wrong! This has got to be the worst attempt at humor ever. I would have rather watched paint dry or flies procreate. Poorly done voice impersonations plus shitty animation combined with horrible jokes (if you can even call them that; calling police “pigs” seemed to be the most reoccurring) and sprinkle liberally on an already painful topic equals disaster. Seriously, I’m recovering from surgery and am on some great pain killers and I still want to take the cord from the mouse and hang myself. At least they had a continual countdown showing me how many painful minutes remained ahead of me until completion.

I guess the old adage is true: if something seems too good to believe, it probably is. Funny, on-line convenience and cheap was just too good to be real. So my advice for all you looking to erase a ticket or lower your insurance in the state of Texas, AVOID comedydriving.com or risk suicide. Or, just don’t speed. I guess that’s a good option too.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Update on my status... and what happened

First, thank you to everyone for the offers of help. So here’s the story:
Second softball game this morning a hard hit liner took a bad hop and I caught it with my face. :) The field was in pretty bad shape and the ball simply took a bad hop. I was knocked out for a few seconds and lost a ton of blood. Seriously, there was a ton! All-in-all it could have been much worse.

One of the bonuses of playing in a Jewish softball league? You know there’ll be a doctor available! :) Several came over from other fields/ games and got my blood pressure stabilized before moving me. Honestly, I think a few of the guys on the field were palerthan I was because of all the blood. I noticed my nose was a bit out of whack while holding the towels to it and so I reset the broken nose right there. I was surprised that it didn’t hurt more. Either that, or I was still so whacked out I couldn’t feel it.

They took me to the ER and I had a CT scan done. Nothing too bad. I had a slight concussion, my nose is broken and I look like I got beat like a government mule, but again, could have been much worse. I have a few cuts from the sunglasses I was wearing, but they probably saved my eye socket by deflecting/ dispersing just enough of the force.

I’ll not be driving for at least 24 hours and icing my cheek bone and nose a lot. I’ll see a specialist later this week to make sure the bone is healing properly and hopefully won’t have to have surgery. I’ll be sure to post some pics this week as I’m gonna have one heck of a black eye!

Thanks for all the concern. If I talked to you earlier today I may not remember because of the concussion, but I know I talked with several of you and I’ll be sure to let you know if I need anything.

Lessons for the day:
1) Don’t try to catch a smoked two hopper with your nasal passages.
2) Blackberries are fun to play with while you’re a little loopy in the ER waiting for the CT scan.
3) Swallowing a ton of blood makes you sick to your stomach. Who knew?
4) Finally, as my grandma always said, you gotta laugh.

This week's sign the apocalypse is almost upon us

This might also fall into a, “you can’t make this stuff up” category, but for now I’ll assume it’s simply part of society turning on itself and quickening the end of times. This ride will be so much fun!

So a 13 year old kid, from of all places Texas, stole his Dad’s credit card and ordered two hookers. Seriously? I didn’t even know what a hooker was at 13, much less that the hell I’d do with her!

The best part? When the hookers got suspicious, the boy and his friend told them they were people of “restricted growth” working with a traveling circus. Texas State law folks… you cannot discriminate against those with disabilities, so the prostitutes felt they had no right to refuse them, and stayed and played XBox with the kids.

I’m rethinking this whole, ‘having kids’ thing. Well folks, “be fruitful and multiply” at your own peril.

http://www.money.co.uk/article/1000390-13-year-old-steals-dads-credit-card-to-buy-hookers.htm

This week's sign the apocalypse is almost upon us

What does the new wave Finnish rock band called The Leningrad Cowboys (A.K.A.the Sleepy Sleepers), the Red Army Choir from Russia and “Sweet Home Alabama” all have in common?

All made an appearance in Russia before thousands of concert goers at the same time, on the same stage. Seriously, can’t make this up. Check out the link for the rockin’ concert and be sure to make note of the band’s hair.

Finally, someone besides an American looking stupid for the whole world to see. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the week they hate the Russians more than us. I doubt it, but I can dream, can’t I? Now, who has their Halloween costume picked out after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRLrP014

Canada y'all?

OMG! It is everything I can do in a very important customer meeting to NOT laugh. The customer I’m meeting with is leading the meeting right now and he has a very usual Texas drawl like most of us. Subtle, almost unnoticeable to most of us, but would stand out to Northerners.

Then, like a thunder bolt through the room, a crash in the middle of calm, BAM! a Canadian accent sneaks out in a word or two. Surely I heard this wrong. Nope, there it is again. OMG… “schedule” comes out with the Canadian “ou” and sounds like “ske-duel” with that “ou” thing in the second half. I’m dying here folks… a Canadian redneck; who knew? Now if only I can figure out how to get him to say, “This schedule tool is like a boot stuck in the Canadian mud.” :)

From the section, "You can't make this stuff up"

Life really does imitate art, but seriously, could someone have actually thought this one up as a story line? I don’t think so, only reality (and not the “reality” crap Fox pumps into our homes) could deal us a plot of having a U.S. wide matzah shortage. Seriously, people are going crazying because they can’t find their matzah.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/22/us/22matzo.html
http://www.news.com/i/bto/20080421/Photo_042008_001_270x202.jpg

Then you simply have the greedy ones who waste matzah for other’s enjoyment. (Seriously, watch this.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMSEFCQCKPo

Well, Happy Passover and guard your matzah closely. I may offer my remaining matzah on craigslist, or maybe ebay it for charity! :)

This week's sign the apocalypse is almost upon us

The New Kids on the Block are planning tour dates. Please G-d, bring the end of days sooner rather than later.
http://www.nkotb.com/